Dracula, and a life of Hope and Despair

In the latter years of the 19th century, an insidious,, and unstoppable invasion occured in Britain.



This invasion caused women to commit strange and horrific acts of moral turpitude. These degrading acts were truly sucking the life from young, highly marriagable women.



The invader?



None other than Dracula.



Or, on the other hand, the beginning of the overcoming of Victorian patriarchical society by women.





You see, this is how my brain works. I actually wrote a paper presenting and defending this argurment for an undergrad class in Victorian Gothic lit.



I don't really know many people that can see Bram Stoker's Dracula as a social commentary on the evils of Women's lib.



My natural bent to be able to see connections and possibilities has been honed to a sharp edge by too few years of school.



I truly love to do this sort of thing. It gives me great pleasure to hold these disparate concepts in my mind and find the ways in which they make a curious whole. However, there is a flip side to this ability: I also see the flaws. Just as I can build up an argument for Dracula being invasive female figure in late Victorian society, I can also shred an argument to pieces. I see a system that has been built up, look into it, see the crumbling foundation, the poor construction of the arches holding it up, find the weak spots and pick at them until the entire thing falls to the ground.



This paradoxical ability allows me to see the strengths and the weaknesses of the metanarratives that we all walk through and in daily. For me, as a situated, perspectival self, it allows for both hope and despair



It is a touchy, sensitive liminal space to walk in. If one is not careful, there can be a long fall into criticism, griping, and moaning. A person who merely bitches and does not act to become an agent of change. The other possibility is that one blindly hopes and believes in a system, following the dictates of that metanarrative in a belief that the strengths will cover up the weaknesses.



I do not wish to be either of those. I wish to always walk that liminal space of hope and despair. That is the space where there is a possibility of action.



Why do I say this?



I was having a conversation with someone I considered a friend last week. This is a person who I am supposedly "doing life with." Someone with whom I thought I could be myself, share my thoughts. Be real. Not so it seems.



He told me flat out that he thought I had taken that big fall and that I was never happy, never satisfied, and would never be.



I didn't bother to argue. I new that I could not change this person's mind. But I do know one thing: I am have not taken that fall. I see the beauty of both sides. I attempt to hold them each gently in my hand.



I do not know if I was right or wrong in how I handled the above statement by this person, but I do know that if someone cannot understand that I see and hold both hope and despair in my hands, at once holding one tighter than the other, than they cannot see me. They simply cannot know me.

Wait a minute . . .

Wait, just hold on a sec,

Honestly, truly.

Please believe me.

I didn't sign up for this!

And by "this" I mean life in general of course -- since life hasn't been all fluffy bunnies and bankroll -- but I also mean the job that I have now.

I emailed a friend a few days back, from work, and the email had my autosignature on it. According to my work title, I am a "Technical Support Engineer." My friend emails me back asking what kind of freaky engineering degree did I get!

Maybe I should call this guy my "so called" friend. I don't know, what do y'all think?

Here's my point. I ain't no engineer, and I don't think that I am all that technical. But hey it works. I got the job based on my outstanding (their words, not mine) work as a contractor for this company.

I was working as an MS Access database guru. And by the by, I don't think I am a guru at this stuff. But I will say that I am pretty good at figure things out.

What has happened now, is that while my fellow new co-workers are training on what we are supposed to be doing, I am doing database stuff.

Now don't get me wrong. I LIKE doing this db stuff. I am a great data analyst and I am great at sorting through what people want and how to give it to them. But I had had this vision in mind of getting all this technical knowledge and leveraging it into a technical writing type job. (at least then I would be writing.

That might come along but I think I may be opening up a new path here into the deep dark recesses of database worlds.

Hey, it works. I like it. I think I want the technical experience as well, but here's the issue.

I HAVE A DEGREE IN HUMANITIES. How in the world does a guy with a degree in English lit, and a master's in what is basically postmodern philosophy and theology end up being so good at database stuff (which mind you I hadn't done much and what I had done was seven years ago)???

Really, honestly, I didn't sign up for this.

I kinda like navel gazing.

On the other hand, it is sort of fun to say to someone living in the concrete world, that maybe the data can give you that information and maybe it can't. If you ask me nicely I will make it say whatever you want. Remember I have an M.H. in BS!

Broken Hearts

My heart is broken.

It is screaming out in anguish for someone whom I care about and someone whom I have held a grudge against and have disliked for months.

My heart is broken.

In the midst of this, in the midst of watching the devastation of two lives, I know --and believe me this is a deep down, totally don't understand it, walking out on thin air, faith in the messianic promis of an oasis in the desert knowing -- that God is still there.

In three and a half years of studying philosophy and theology I have come to the conclusion that following Christ means simply this: walking with a brother or a sister through all the shit and shineola that life throws at us.

It doesn't matter that my sister (in the body of christ) offended me. She is still my sister. And when family is hurting you stand firm with them. YOu let them lean on you and you share with them the small tidbits of wisdom that you have gleaned in the times that you have had to lean on them.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul and with all your mind.

And through that love, come to realize that the person that you dislike is someone who needs love. They, their needs and their hurts, come miles and miles before your own.

Why? Because -- through Christ -- it is you who comes before them in your time of need.

Does it work all the time?

HELL KNOW!

Doesn't matter though. Because that is what we are called to do.

The one who we are told to emulate, did EXACTLY that.

Through his crucified open arms he put us before his own needs.

I know through all the devastation that I see around me. And believe me, I see alot. Christ is still there with us

His heart is as broken as mine, as broken as my sister's and as broken as my brothers.

Pain . . .

I will here admit a guilty pleasure:
I watch the tv show "House" and I love it. If for nothing else, Hugh Laurie with a Yank accent.

The season finale was fairly depressing. The most depressing part for me was this exchange of dialogue:

"I don't want the pain, I don't want the misery . . ."
"We don't always get what we want."

I live in pain daily. And this week, my pain has flared up. I hate it, it sucks.

Life goes on.

Here's the deal though. I have two dear friends who have just found out that there 7 year old son has Leukemia. They wrote on their blog about their son having muscle spasms from the chemotherapy that rated a 10 on the smiley face chart. Been there, done that, got the &*%$* t-shirt. I read that and I cried. I cried for a little boy who has to rate his pain with a smiley face. And let me say, there ain't much to smile about when you get to 10.

I am an adult. I have wrestled with God about why I have to live like this. And those were some serious bouts. Why does a little boy have to suffer that sort of pain? Can he wrestle with God? Can he understand, not the why, but what of it? Can he come to terms with it?

Can I? Have I, can I, come to terms with my own pain?

I don't know . . .

5 W's and an H

So I haven't written anything for almost four months.

Bad Brad . . . Bad Brad

Actually I don't think I have had a sustained deep thought since I finished my thesis.

But what I have been doing is Life.

Working, trying to find a better job. Watching my son grow and learn and change. Cooking, cleaning, getting my dog groomed. All of the truly important things in life (no sarcasm here, seriously).

This is truly a season of change for me and for my family. And I cannot let it just go and not think about the 5 W's and an H. Ok, so I am a true introspect. Something happens and I have to investigate and try to figure it out. I hope, and pray that that investigation brings me knowledge and wisdom for use in the future.

After more than three years I wrote my thesis and have received my Master's degree. I even got my diploma just last week. What an amazing feeling. A weight off my shoulders. Release, renewal, regret. I love being done, but I want to go back and do more too. And I will.

But for now, It is a time to do other things. Like, I don't know, find a career, be able to help support my family. Silly things like that

Any way: Watch this Space for more on this investigation

STOP SPEAKING THE GOSPEL!!!!

I have spent over three years deep within philosophy and theology.

I love it. I am exploring a theology which I feel can have a major impact on our christian lives. Thinking and stratagizing and analyzing is what I love.

HOWEVER . . . There is more. Because of page length constraints the end of my thesis is only the jumping off point.

Here is the key: Praxis Praxis Praxis.

So what is my desperate desire??

Our church is considering "adopting" an area of Denver that has some significant needs. Needs that have nothing to do with orally "preaching the Gospel."

Rather, these needs have everything to do with preaching the Gospel as Christ preached it. Yes, he spoke the Gospel, he taught. But more importantly he LIVED the Gospel. He was overflowing with the Love that IS God.

So how do we do this?

Simple, we find a need and we fill it. We become servants. We live as if we are responsible for the other person.

I want our church to reach out in love and fill the needs of this adopted community. Fill the "secular" needs.

The example I see is a church and outreach orginization in downtown Toronto. This place opens its doors the community. The teach ESL, they teach computer skills, the have a food pantry. They recognize a need in the community and do everything they can to fill it.

Come on folks, I am calling for us to stop speaking the Gospel

Lets LIVE it!!

Quick update

For those who are interested:

I defended my thesis today. I passed. They thought I defended very well.

However, they want revision for two of the philosophers, before they sign off on the thesis itself.

so more work, but with those revisions they will sign off, so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.